If I could pinpoint a moment where I knew that my life would never be the same, then this was it. I wrote this almost two years ago and it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done and at the same time, the most freeing. It was the moment that I could say I no longer was bound to others opinions. It has taken most of my life to be able to think and feel that way and I’m proud to say that I haven’t once looked back. Here is the blog that changed my life.
I wear a wig. There, I said it. I’ve been wanting to say it for a couple of years now, but I was afraid. I still am, but it is what it is. I speak often about fear and how it does nothing but hold you back, and the truth is, this is the last thing that I’ve been holding onto and I’m ready to release fear’s hold on me. My fear isn’t doing anything except making it worse. I’m pretty sure people know I wear one and I’m pretty sure there are those that don’t. Well, of course until now. I used to say it really wasn’t anyone’s business and that’s why I didn’t think it was necessary to have to let everybody know. But the truth is, I wasn’t able to accept it myself and so the thought of anyone else accepting it was not even in the realm of possibility. However, it’s holding me back. It’s holding me back from walking in my authenticity. It’s holding me back from walking in the truth of who I know I am. I am allowing something so ultimately non-important to cast a shadow on something more important – my beauty within.
I know that my hair doesn’t make me the woman I am. I know that I am so much more than that. It’s just been very hard for me to face because I grew up with long, flowing, curly hair. My hair was always something that got noticed, that I was proud of, and probably the exact reason why I started losing it. We all have lessons to learn in this lifetime of what is truly important, and perhaps mine was to get me past the physical. The doctors aren’t sure why my hair is thinning. They have their suspicions, but nobody has ever been able to put a finger on it. It’s “stress,” it’s “genetics,” it’s from my “stomach surgery,” it’s “alopecia,” it’s…I don’t know what it is, but I do know that it just IS. On a side note, I never noticed how much people like to touch faces and hair until I became conscious of how much I don’t want them to touch mine. I think when it’s your own, you never worry about stuff like that, but every time someone’s hand comes close to me, I flinch. It’s the worst feeling ever! Just yesterday at work, someone leaned in innocently to get a piece of lint out of my hair and I think I jumped back 15 feet. I made some silly remark that I thought I was going to get hit or something which is ridiculous in and of itself. Everybody laughed. I just shrunk a little inside. That is not who I am and how I truly feel about myself. My soul knows this and it is now time for my head to catch up.
In all honesty, part of my fear has to do with dating. My ex loved me just as I was. He never made me feel uncomfortable. If anything, he embraced my hair and always just wanted me to love it and accept it more. I kept telling myself it was because he was my best friend first and already knew about it before we got into a relationship. Now that we are no longer together, I can’t imagine another man being okay with it. That fear of meeting someone else that will accept it terrifies me. But that is EXACTLY why I am writing this. I refuse to let my fear win! I refuse to be led by fear any longer and walk around wondering if I will be loved again. Of course I will. My ex recently reminded me of that. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I am human and I am a work in progress. I am constantly evolving and learning, but holding onto this secret for fear of what others think is truly not who I want to be and truly not who I know I AM. I worked many years on being able to fulfill my own needs and not needing anyone else to make me feel a certain way about myself and now it’s time to not worry what a potential romantic partner might think of me. You either love me or you don’t. All of me. Even the parts that are “lacking.”
On the upside, the amazing things about wigs are that if I wanted to change colors, styles, or anything to go along with my mood, I can! Since I’ve been “closeted” about it, I’ve been careful about the styles I get. I can’t have bangs one month and then my hair is suddenly one length and all grown out the next. But hell, bring on red tomorrow and blonde next week! So if you see me out and about, or maybe a new photo online with a new look, just know that I’m working on my wig collection and Dolly Parton better watch out!
Is there something in your life that is holding you back? Is there something that is tugging on your soul and if you faced it yourself by admitting it, you’d feel so much better? Well, if you can and want to, please feel free to post it below in the comments section. It is scary and AMAZING to just stand here, flaws and all exposed, and BE who I know I truly am – an imperfectly perfect ME!
UPDATE: After I wrote that blog and hit “post”, I got sick to my stomach. I had trouble falling asleep and so I took a couple of Tylenol PM’s and drifted off. The next morning, I woke up with a knot in my stomach and honestly feeling nauseous. My first thoughts were, “Oh boy, what did I do?” Then I got online and overnight, I had received hundreds of emails and comments from men, women, and children thanking me and who said they were ready to face and accept something about themselves that they were hiding. In that moment, I could feel my whole body exhale. You see, I had already decided that people were either going to like me or not and either way was okay, but seeing how by me being vulnerable and walking through my fears, gave permission for others to do so, that was life changing! So much so, that I did a video about it next. lol. I will reveal that one soon.